"I wish I could do that"

life, musings, heart, desire, life path, confidence, journey, hard truths, limiting beliefs

Well… you fucking can. plain & simple.

This week’s piece is raw & paradoxical. It is matter of fact with zero inclination of self inflation. If you catch even the slightest amount of that, that’s your mirror/shadow. It will not be edited & read through extensively to assure that it hits & flows. It is a piece I am writing to those of you who aren’t giving yourselves what you want. Which before we even start reading this peace. I want you to take a moment & ask yourself, Who are you living for?

This week I don’t hold the capacity to curate anything outside of my current present reality. You see, today was a lot. Simultaneously in amazing, yet challenging ways. I currently own & run independently 3 businesses. They all fall under the umbrella of art, but all differ drastically & constantly pull me in different directions. & today was tending to them all, while living in a steamy jungle full of testing surprises. While my base is gratitude, it can become overwhelming tending to all on my own. And as I was answering some TikTok comments on my latest post, I had noticed a follower post on my video, “Your life is my dream, I want to be wild & free! I wish I could do this.”.

Well, you can. Here is a little bit about how, through my lens.

Wild & free will force you to thicken your skin. Living the lifestyle I currently live is the most freeing, beautiful, awe-inspiring, expansive, creative, abundant, independent path I could have ever chosen honestly. What it also mutually is; heart breaking, gut wrenching, terrifying, triggering, isolating, & tiring. Does it make it bad nor good, no… but I do tend to live in bits of the extreme ends of those spectrums, with moments of reprieve where I find balance.

I get asked often how I did… what I am doing now? How I live the life I live & advice on how to do it, & how I have what I have. So this is my raw God honest truth. I follow my fucking heart & intuition & absolutely no one can stop me when I want something. & I am willing to do utterly anything to get it. And you might read that and think, “well clearly Gabi, but I am like that too! I don’t stop when I want something!”.

But honestly, ask yourself… is that true? What are your boundaries with getting your hearts deepest desires? Are you willing to marinate in your biggest fears while those beneath you gather & await your downfall? Are you prepared to be in a constant free fall of trust in force outside of yourself, dancing on a wave you cannot see?

When I left my career as a full time yoga teacher it was so I could pursue teaching yoga retreats globally and the only way I was able to float myself during that transition was through my; then new, OnlyFans business. I went from making a humble 4 figure salary that was hardly able to cover my bills, to then very high figure months where I was able to; essentially, quit working & do whatever I wanted. I knew starting that business would change my life as I knew it in many ways. & it did. People either gave me roses for my brazen leap into such a taboo pool, others shunned & ridiculed me. I had an ex drunkenly call me once he heard of it, “You’re a fucking whore. You’re basically a fucking prostitute. This is so gross, you’re trash”. That call didn’t last very long. He was such a peach. But I knew it would stir a reaction out of people & it wouldn't always be a cheerful one. Did that stop me? No. To this day do I still receive negative backlash for that business? Yes. Will it stop me? No. Did a group of me & my husband’s hometown community screenshot our sex tape & spread it around with the intent of judgement, slander, & embarrassment? Yep. Did we care? Nope. I believe in my journey with that business & it continues to provide my husband & I immense flexibility, abundance, & creativity. I think it’s fucking cool. I will still stand on the fact that it is one of the best decisions I have ever made. My naked body in any form isn’t embarrassing. What is embarrassing is being married with children & that’s your past time. To each their own, different strokes for different folks.

I started my own yoga retreat business even though it is a high ticket field & with an immense rise in popularity & is highly saturated. Did that deter me? No. I believed that the people who resonate with my teachings, classes, & energy… they will show up. Did I hear through the grapevine, some gossip that they weren’t going to be successful or of a high caliber? Yes. Was that the case? No. Was it scary? Absolutely. Did it anyways. I just kept showing up and trusting the process as it unfolded day by day. Did I make a million mistakes in each one? You bet your ass I did. Did I judge myself for it? No, I kept going. I know I will make a million more, & what a privilege that is.

The Spicy Artist TikTok that I have been building the last few months for my up & coming YouTube, this Substack, & for future businesses to come… Was it terrifying being vulnerable on the internet? It literally shook me to my core the first time I posted my hormone healing journey. Posting my before & after had me in a fetal position in my bed for 10 hours. Did I keep posting? Obviously. And guess what? It is growing! By the thousands!! Because it was honest, real, & it was me. Did I initially see girls that dislike me lurking the page? Sure did. Did I care? Not one bit babes. Are we seeing the theme yet, are you connecting the dots?

Following your passions and your heart is always going to acutely shake the ones who are too scared to. But it will also shake you. It will shake your faith in yourself & there will be moments where life will attempt to make you feel small.

“How did I get here?”, I had to not give a singular fuck what anyone else thought. & despite how difficult it was to exercise that mentality, I had to keep going. I had to continue to take risks & hold unwavering faith that I will not give up. That I will only learn, but never fall under the cast of failure. I refused to succumb to a life where I imagined life differently & casted it off as a “maybe one day dream”. Moving to a different country was a trust fall that exercised years of my religion of self trust & ensuring my dreams didn’t escape me. It brought up so many challenges; some that I couldn’t have even thought up. It didn’t dishearten me, because it was the hard that I was choosing.

The more unyielding my decisions & actions needed for my life & my businesses to thrive get, the more abundant & beautiful life becomes. It is one-thousand-fucking-percent, risk & reward. Reward for alignment in self. Risks that trigger my worth, trust, patience, ethics, hunger, & stamina. Yet, I am not driven or dedicated to my life’s path… I am devoted to it. It is my current life’s work & it is my birth right to retire young, continue to live freely, & bask in the abundance of all of life’s gifts & magic.

Now imagine…If I stopped back 4 years ago at when an ex called me a “fucking whore & prostitute”. I’d still be in Fort Lauderdale, stagnant, making less than 50k a year, partying, living in a scarcity mindset, & wishing for what I have now. Does it matter that my Onlyfans business is what got me to where I am now? No, it’s freaking awesome. I lay naked in the sun on a pristine, mystical, isolated beaches in Nicaragua making out with my husband & express that side of myself fluidly. & that’s literally only 10% of my life. The rest of my work is filled with writing, yoga/surf retreats, creating art, & finalizing my YouTube channel for yoga & sculpt. & the more I keep on the track of following my desires, my art, & my heart… the better life gets.

You know what I don’t think about when I am driving my souped up vintage Land Cruiser to some glassy offshore waves down the street?…

Everyone who judged me who are clearly my number one fans. Watching my successes, & wasting their divine time on this planet… fixated on someone outside of themselves. Gasp! I was judged! Oh no, someone said something mean about me!! I am alive; & not just well, but thriving. You read all of that above... It was intense at times, yeah? Probably would have deterred most, but here we are. Tits up, smile wide, heart open. I am fucking free. I live expansively to tell the tale!!

Which brings me to you. SO, What is stopping you? Who is stopping you?… It’s not them. I can tell you that much. It’s not anyone or anything outside of your own reflection. It isn’t your job, there’s more of those out there. You see, you get one life. This one life is your only guarantee. Regardless of what you believe. I believe many things, but what I hold close is now… all we have is now. This moment. Amuse me, & think of how much time you have already wasted in your life thinking in a limited belief system? I know, harsh right? Well, you have the power to stop. You hold the power to your future. There is no such thing as embarrassing, there is not such thing as failing. The only way you fail, is by never trying.

You are here once, in this body, as yourself. You were chosen to be here, & you also chose to be here. It is divine that you are here. It isn’t a mistake; in fact, it’s a miracle. Are you living out your life as if it’s a freaking miracle to be here? Are you exercising your birth right to be free? This isn’t just about where you live, or what you do. In fact, it’s hardly that. It is… how do you show up in this world? Do you make yourself small? Digestible?…. This is about your existence as a whole. One day you will be of a memory & dust, a gift back to this earth. The only things that will be tethered to your existence are what you created, how you lives out that life, & how you impacted the world. There will be nothing in code of souls departure here of the echos of those beneath you. You aren’t bound by anything but your own desires. You aren’t tied to be one thing, in one place. You aren’t meant to be the least amount of yourself so that you can survive. You are meant to thrive, you are meant to exceed all of your expectations, & then some. You are allowed to transform & re-invent yourself as many times as you need to become the version of you that you deserve & dream to be.

So seriously…What do you want?

Who do you want to be?

And, what are you willing to do to get it?

You don’t have to wish, you can do it too.