heartbreak bible

dating, heart break, self love

Many moons ago in the midst of heart break my fingers scribbled,

“allowing my heart to break; over and over again. over people, connections, ideas, past stories, parts of myself that I have out grown. we are born with our hearts encompassed with divine love. as we learn and grow through life. all of our experiences rest on top of our hearts. when our hearts inevitably break - all of the wisdom, growth, passion, suffering falls into our hearts. allowing our hearts to grow in all that fell into it. what we do with that wisdom and knowledge is what determines our life here. do we close off out of fear of the pain or do we allow ourselves the opportunity for growth. finding duality between peace & passion in the things that break me open; allowing all that is meant for me to be observed & absorbed and flood into the cracks. heart break doesn’t have to be something to protect ourselves from but more so, embrace.”.

Wise she was. I really liked her. I really think she was getting somewhere with that sentiment. Something I have grown into regarding this topic is a more…singular approach wrapped in realism. Grab your coffee, this week we talk about heart break, break ups, & dating. Naturally; from the last person someone who is single wants to read a piece like this from, a happily married bitch. I promise I won’t bore you with the eye-roll worthy, “when you know you know”. Here we talk about heart break in ways that may feel like swallowing glass at first but; if you’re open, will set you free from your own imprisonments. Lets begin…

Chapter One: Love

Love is magic. It has no bounds and completely alters our state of existence. The breath of another turns into your oxygen. Their touch is a bolt of electricity down our spines and into our bones. Time morphs, realities alter, and bodies transcend. It consumes us entirely, swallowing us whole with no consent. Leaving us all in a vulnerable space within ourselves that usually was glaringly abandoned. Love seems to seamlessly cloud us with a rosy film over our consciousness, and eventually leads us to this deserted land of unsolved mysteries. We develop these entities towards our significant others and love interests when things begin to fall through the cracks: Jealousy, Abandonment, Insecurity, Attachment, Fear, and the list goes on. Once an actual break up occurs, it feels like our hearts shatter across our floor and the pieces are far too sharp to pick up without slicing us open further. Now why is this? How can something so immensely pure; the purest energy in the world, create such a dis-ease within oneself? In a simple yet entirely complex one word answer… self. Because it has nothing to do with them. It never has and it never will; until, you tackle self.

Chapter Two: Self

Yes; I wholeheartedly believe in the sentiment that if you love yourself radically and create an existence where you truly have a beautiful and unwavering devotion to self, that a mutually invested and energetically aligned relationship is highly likely to reach “success”. Success being a happy, honest, loving, secure relationship. This belief system also sets you up for the success for when things don’t align with another. We still remain whole; or even better, left with more lessons learned and knowledge and love gained. Success in this realm is truly unlimited if your base for self love is indestructible. What I also deeply believe is that relationships are mirrors and our reflection is shown back at us. Partnerships shine a light on the gaps in our character and also illuminate the highest within ourselves. When we think back to a relationship or situationship, often times we aren’t missing the other person. There’s a reason they’ve left or we have. It’s 99% more likely that we miss the version of ourselves that we were with that person. The way we laughed when they made a joke that only we would understand, the warmth we felt safe enough to exude towards them, the peace we felt laying around the house with them… all feelings that we felt open enough to express. It is the comfort you felt safe enough to express. They created an opening within you, and it’s a beautiful feeling. Yet, often confused with the sensation that they left a hole in you when things end; rather than the truth that your exchange with them opened up a part of you that you have always craved, needed, or desired. You are in actuality, in starvation for yourself. If in a courageous state, venture to the past with that person in your subconscious. Many, many, MANY gaps will begin to intertwine into one glaringly viscous and obvious understanding. This wasn’t and isn’t your person. Yet we crave what was. We crave our new found openness and joy. We crave our new sense of sensual and sexual connection and excitement. We glorify the idea that something outside of ourselves completed us. If we circle back to the first concept in this chapter, we are reminded that; if we wholeheartedly loved ourselves, we are set up for success regardless of the outcome. Success in this scenario being; acceptance, peace, honesty, and respect. What if love isn’t about the possession of an idea of what it’s meant to be, but a river that keeps flowing within us… constantly gaining strength, in rhythm with its internal nature.

Chapter Three: Past Experiences from the Happily Married Bitch

I have never missed someone I had a relationship with, hardly even like referring to people I have dated as an “ex”. Not because what was shared wasn’t significant, but in hindsight it’s truly not that deep in the grand scheme. This is something I have recently realized. They are all simply experiences to and for me, likewise for them as well. They are people that joined in on my journey and provided me immense insight, lessons, awakenings, experiences, and truths. Yet, I realize I have never actually missed a single one of them. What I used to “miss” was who I was in certain moments in my time with them. For example, I dated someone who shared the same love for witty banter, deep discussions, and speaking on sensitive topics. He and I used to challenge each other’s beliefs and views for sport, and that was something I craved before I met him. Honest and raw conversations about provocative and meaty matters. I had never had that in relationship before, and it was something I clung onto for dear life. I didn’t want to part with the freedom I felt to speak my truth so brazenly when I was around him. So when we parted I didn’t necessarily miss that person and the conversations that we shared; I missed being able to exercise and exude that part of myself safely with another. I missed the opening to be myself in that way. You see what I mean? I am not saying it is that black and white in every scenario but in most cases, who is it that you really miss? It’s not the guy you met a few weeks ago at a bar who loved bombed you, gave you mediocre dick, and is now bread crumbing you. What did you open within yourself in that time that you are beginning to grieve and miss? Are you willing to fiercely give to yourself, explore yourself, and seek out your desires? You just met him, yet your longest relationship is with you. Are we jumping ship on ourselves because someone highlighted something that already exists within you?

Hand up to the fucking universe, I can say with my bare chest that I know now I never actually missed what has happened prior to now because it has all educated me and led me to places within myself that I needed to explore, heal, serve, and fulfill.

Chapter Four: Stop

This is the part that might feel like swallowing glass. May every laceration to your false realities be an opportunity to face your own truths and begin stronger and anew. Bread crumbing is not their fault, it's yours… you are putting up with it. Know thy worth. Ghosting shouldn’t be a shock when it occurs, because you’ve already known that they’ve been one foot out the whole time. It is never a reflection of you how someone else decides to conduct themselves, but how you respond is a glaring indication to your relationship with self. There are no rules in dating. Sleeping with someone on the first date will never affect the outcome if it’s something that’s just meant to be. How do you know if it’t meant to be? Time and energy. It’s a river that flows and with time, the energy of it all will provide all answers. Not sleeping with someone on the first three dates won’t make them respect you more. Sex is energy, shared between two mystically and wholly. There shouldn't be rules around mutual desires, especially when it will not affect the outcome. My first date with my husband; within 4 ish hours of our date, I was face down ass up after asking him to come in for some tea… it was 3 am. The next day he wasn’t questioning why I slept with him, yet he was enamored by my confidence and sense of self. People have their own complex reasonings on why they don’t pursue you or why they keep things at a certain pace. None of that should matter to you if you know your worth, knowing your worth you can stand firm in recognizing what is a waste of time and what is disrespectful. If your cup is full and someone isn’t giving you the energy you desire, it is easy to walk away because you lose nothing. The damsel in distress isn’t about not being able to lean on another, but if that another is out til 4am, not texting you for days, and liking other girls photos… the only distressing aspect of the scenario is why you’re still around. Stop. Stop investing time in charity cases, projects, and potential. You need to invest in your potential. Keep it moving. The river keeps flowing, whether you want to exhaust efforts swimming against the current is up to you.

Chapter Five: I lied

I am going to be the insufferable happily married bitch. Because guess what…WHEN YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW. It isn’t because you happen to see this person’s face and all is solved and the world is healed. It is an every day knowing from day one and every day that passes after. It is consistency, unwavering, honesty, stability, kindness, selflessness, and truth. it is the patterns in which you both operate with another. It is your morning routine, their relationship with your family, how your friends feel around them. It is knowing their character through and through, not getting blindsided at any given moment. It isn’t this fairytale “poof” they are the one. It is a commitment to self and how you are going to choose to show up for you and for them. The chemistry, the love, the connection; that is divine. I believe that love is the purest energy and matter on this earth that surpasses every quantum law and scientific belief. When I hear someone say something along the lines of, “well I know we are soul mates, but they aren’t ready for anything serious”… babe. They found you, out of 8.2 BILLION people in this world, and when they found you… they still weren’t sure. That isn’t a soul mate. A beautiful connection? Absofuckinglutely. Can those hurt your heart, ego, and soul? You bet. Soul Mate?… Let’s 86 that notion. Stop thinking that you were put on this Earth to simply find a husband or a wife. That, THAT is your sole purpose when you were born into a love already. A love so deep it follows you into every life time. Maybe your purpose is simply to experience yourself, to seek that out and find joy in it. When all fails with another and your world is crashing down, why? Why aren't you enough?

My take on this is very dry because I am rooted in gratitude for myself and the fact that I am alive. I also feel that life is moving faster and faster by the day. Every day wasted crying over someone unworthy of my tears is a day that is exactly that, wasted. A day I won’t get back. A day I will never see again. The sun will never shine the way it did that day, the songs that resonate today will be different tomorrow. My little sister isn’t so little when the next day arrives. The way my coffee was the most immaculate viscosity of jet fuel and fairy dust today, well…it may never happen again. Tomorrow may bring the worst day of my life, so spending today crashing out because so&so didn’t respond to my text but viewed my story…I couldn’t be fucking bothered.

I’m alive, and the Earth continues to spin

my tits are high ( for now?!?!)

I almost plucked my 8th grey hair I’ve found this year

I don’t know when my time will come

I hoped almost 4 years ago, that one day someone fantastic would come along. and they did. The Earth kept spinning.

Until that happened, my coffee’s with myself were sacred

I became a craftsman at pleasuring myself, far better than any other person could

I romanticized every aspect of my life. I worshiped myself and gave myself all that I wanted.

I loved; fiercely, being single and exploring the world and those who came my way….It’s all fucking research babe.

You are far too cosmic and magical to decode the mysteries of another. Stand firm in self. Ground in your inner world and work. Explore the caverns of your heart. Liquid gold oozes out of you at every touch. You are the portal of all in which you desire. If this piece shakes your veins and brought you to yourself and you implement such a philosophy; I promise that you will never miss another, but be grateful for what has followed since. I promise that what is meant for your journey will surpass your wildest dreams. But, only if you reject all that isn’t at your worth. I hope you feel that time in this precious existence and journey here isn’t to be wasted on the approval or likeliness of another, yet whether the exploration of you loving yourself. We truly don’t know much of the unfolding in this human experience but we are given an opportunity to embrace it. We are given the beautiful opportunity to explore ourselves and treat all else that follows, as a gift.

Break Ups aren’t your endings, they are your beginnings. Every single one, an opportunity to learn, grow, evolve. You don’t miss them, you miss you.